I went out with a good friend last weekend, and in our conversation he commented about how I typically write about being single and how it's been empowering and how it's been a growing experience and it's all good. But in talking about things, he said, "you don't write about that other part of it." I guess that is that part of it that hurts and that's not fair and feels like far too complicated of a math equation that was never covered in my education. The part that makes me wish I could still be married and have my person back and at times has me thinking that looking for love is TOO MUCH WORK!
I was reading past posts and realized I write a lot about self-love and relationships. I guess because I feel that the purpose of life is to be able to connect with people in a real way. All the messy stuff about people and the connection over those things is what helps us know that we may be crazy, but we're not alone and we'll be ok. Without this, life would be really lonely. I don't really care about the weather or who won the football game. What I want to know is about a person's joys, sadness, passions, heartaches, the nerdy things and all the little things that make their lives turn. It's the social worker in me that is totally fine with wherever people are at. I can sit with a lot of really difficult things and don't get scared away. I have a great love for people and the messiness that is humanity. This freaks people out sometimes.
So, anyways what kept me up writing way past my bed time last night is this.
I was married at 24 years old. Looking back at that, I think how young we were. What did we know at 24 years old!? Well, we both thought we'd be married for life at that time. We'd talk about how lucky we were that we didn't have to date anymore. Little did we know that dating isn't the problem. There's lots of people to date, it's just finding the right person at the right time that is the tricky part. The fact that so many people are partnered and married is amazing because finding your person is way more complicated than trying getting pregnant on that one day of the month, yet somehow it happens.
Most everyone by this time in life has baggage from the past and is very cautious about getting involved in another relationship. Past heartbreaks still have pieces torn from so many wonderful hearts and they aren't mended enough to allow love back in. It doesn't work to wait around for someone to be ready to step into a relationship and it doesn't matter what you do or how wonderful you are. If it's not time then it's just not time.
Some haven't forgiven themselves from a past relationship and aren't able to let love in. Or they don't feel they are able to love in the way the other person needs. Others don't like or love themselves enough to understand why in the hell you love their messiness. So they just keep telling you how confusing it is that you like them because they are a self-proclaimed disaster.
These are things that make trying to have a relationship under these circumstances a little like pounding square pegs into round holes. Which would be kind of ok, if when I realized that the shapes don't match up as I learned with that toy as a child, that I have to move on and try a different peg instead of trying to shave the edges off the square to make it round.
As I wrote this last night, I laughed a bit and shook my head as I came to the awareness that this is my repeat lesson. I've been walking around like, "why does this thing keep happening?" Trying to figure out what it is that I am supposed to be learning from the men that have come and gone over the past few years. It usually takes me awhile to come around to this, but the universe has really simplified things for me this time. Kind of why I found it funny because I guess I really needed things to be obvious in order realize what I need to learn. The most recent situation that presented itself is having met someone who knows they want kids and I know I don't. Done! ..Right? ...Maybe it could work? ...Ugh!!!
It's so hard for me to walk away even in situations where I know it's the right thing to do. I know that it is a huge act of love to myself and the other person to do this and I have not done well with this in the past. I have stayed too long and created way more suffering for myself than needed.
Have the courage to let go!