I didn't write as much during the last 9 days of my project. I was feeling processed to the max having sifted and sorted through so many emotions throughout the several weeks prior.
I focused more on reflecting about general things in life like my career path, my relationship with food (a whole other project in mindfulness), new adventures, goals, etc. I knew that this 40 days was only the beginning and not the end to anything. I didn't plan to reconnect with the men that I had quit talking to during this time. I wasn't going back to tequila, pizza and cookies, right now at least. I just didn't see that much would change once the 40 days ended.
It's funny, to me, how my project started out all about relationships with others. I feel like I received some closure or at least a bit of resolution on this for now. Another one of my dependencies is food and I'm thinking about it a bit more. No matter how healthy I'm eating, I still find myself having a relationship with food that isn't quite what I'd want it to be. Emotionally eating and eating when I'm not hungry even when it's healthy foods is still not resolving any deeper issues. It's not that I strive to be perfect by any means, it's just that when I look to get real with myself about bad habits, I can see there's room for improvement with food. I don't like to have addictions no matter what it is...food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, caffeine...I don't want those addictions and I don't want to use food to sooth myself either. It's all a cover up for something else. I would love to evolve my relationship with food, help my body heal and be the best version of myself.
Our bodies always know the truth, so it doesn't pay for our minds to try and lie about the truth because the body and mind are all one. The body always knows! I think I've always self-medicate with food as a learned behavior from childhood and through all the fabric of society. It's common. It's normalized and it goes as far back as my memory can take me into my childhood...
As was said by the person who set me to this crazy 40 day project said, "Once you learn your lesson, those men will go away." Hmm... I wonder if that's really true. Things have been pretty quiet lately. Like, how do they know to go away? Oh, right, it's actually all about me. This whole project is about me IN RELATIONSHIP with others, but it always comes back to me and how I act and what I say. Other people will be themselves and do whatever they are going to do whether it's something wonderful or something really crappy, but I always have the power to be heard, honor my values and match my actions and words in a way that holds love, care, trust and respect for myself first. I can't fix or change anyone else. But, when I quit playing the "game", they go away. When I quit being silent with a kind smile and a nod and start questioning what things mean, asking for clarification and making my needs known, it changes the game. They generally don't like that and will stop.
I feel like a silent observer at this point in my project. What will happen next? What will I do when the same situations come up again? ...Because they will. I have to be heard before anything really changes.
Today I am feeling a great deal of sadness and emptiness for this space I've created with letting go over the past several weeks. I know that this is the very space that is needed in order for new things to come into my life. Even when it is necessary and good to let go of what is no longer serving me, it's still an ending and there's still an a space created and it's really uncomfortable!
I feel that it's the true test and the most difficult task to hold the space and not fill it as quickly as possible with whatever comes first. It's like eating Twinkies when you want gourmet cookies. Don't do it! Holding space for myself and all my insecurities, sensitivities, mistakes and growth. Also being able to hold space for other people with as much love, care and respect that I want to be treated with. Just genuinely knowing that we are all messy, emotional beings who deserve to be treated carefully. To pause and feel all the feels, knowing that whatever is coming up right now will pass and something great will come from all the work I've done.
I cannot go back to old habits. I've worked WAY too hard to do that! Now that I know and have really reflected on what those habits have been and how they come from a deeper place within me, I actually cannot go back. The sadness comes from letting go of how I've always been and known relationships with men to be. I really don't know a different way. I almost can't even imagine there is another way, but I'm going to have faith (like the song by George Michael...which actually struck a cord with me when I heard it during this time. Lol!) It's the strong desire to feel loved and to be in a relationship with a partner who allows me to feel my truth, will hear me, respect me and walk beside me on this crazy journey.
I'm not willing to settle for less than the right person anymore. I actually like my life. I like all the things I have and do now. I actually deconstructed my life over the past 5 years and rebuilt it with the things I love. (A whole different blog topic.) This includes all the cooking, my daily yoga practice, the time I spend with my work, with my friends, my dog, traveling, etc... So, adding someone in my life should truly enhance what I'm already doing, not just be filling space or time or worse yet, creating mixed messages that are meaningless and confusing.
This is kinda perfect, but I got a message from my friend (who I've referenced in my writing) asking how my inner light is doing? Haha! I totally loved this.
I received my copy of Natalie Lue's book, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl today. So excited to read this!! I've thought about reading it for years and just never have, but this seems like a good time to read it. Maybe I can understand myself better and how to move on with healthier relationships and not continue to repeat the cycle.
Going forward, I actually need to put into practice all I've learned over the past 40 days. It's like the internship piece of the project. Life is like an internship all the time. We don't know how to be, how to deal, how to do relationships and things until we actually practice. However, I think I'll take a pause. No relationships right now except with myself and to focus on being more emotionally available to my friends and family who are and always have been there for me. I know that losing my marriage, and being in survival mode for several years after, has not brought out the most available version of me. Though my survival guide, as I call my survivalist alter ego, is amazing at helping me get through trauma and survive in so many amazing ways, I also know that there is a bigger way to live. Living out of Love, with a capital L!
I am so grateful to Matt Corker who is one of the many talented and brilliant trainers I worked with from Sacred Fig while doing my yoga teacher training in Bali last February. I reached out to him with this perplexing issue, he suggested going 40 days without my dependencies and I decided to take it on having no idea the layers that would unravel from doing this work. It has been one of the most challenging 40 days reflecting so deeply on all these things and it's only the beginning as I have discovered in the days following. I can't say it has been all out fun, but it has been very insightful and I wouldn't take back the experience. I know it will propel my heart and soul to new places and to being a better lover of myself and others (which is always in my intentions). As I am learning to surrender my sense of control to the universe, I know that things don't happen on my timeline, but when the time is right.